


Such a Big To Do About Nothing

by elifisher96



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Humor, Canon Dialogue, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Inspired by Shakespeare, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, References to Shakespeare, Slow Burn, Stevie Budd is a Troll, baseball as a plot device, idiots to lovers, operation love gods, overhearing as a plot device
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:43:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28605432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elifisher96/pseuds/elifisher96
Summary: David thinks Patrick Brewer, junior captain of the Schitt's Creek University baseball team, is cocky and obnoxious. Patrick thinks David Rose, son of the university's president, is stuck-up and aloof. But all of their friends can see they're in love with each other, and hatch a plot to make them fall for each other.First-year Alexis has her eye on senior baseball team captain Ted Mullins. But their budding romance is put into question when Ted thinks he sees Alexis kissing someone else. Chaos ensues.-----A retelling of Shakespeare'sMuch Ado About Nothing
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose, Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose, Twyla Sands/Mutt Schitt
Comments: 12
Kudos: 32





	1. ACT 1, SCENE 1: Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have never written fic before, but this AU has been in my head for a few days and I have been itching to write it. Each chapter will be a scene from MAAN, with the longer scenes being broken up into parts. If you are unfamiliar with the show, I suggest watching the [2011 staging at Wyndham's Theatre](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0-PdmgP2qs), featuring David Tennant and Catherine Tate as Benedick and Beatrice.  
> As an aid in writing this, I am using [the script](http://shakespeare.mit.edu/much_ado/full.html) and a little bit of [No Fear Shakespeare](https://www.sparknotes.com/nofear/shakespeare/muchado/). 
> 
> Updates weekly on Tuesdays.
> 
> [Sonnet 18](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45087/sonnet-18-shall-i-compare-thee-to-a-summers-day)

“David, you know that it’s tradition to host the baseball team the night before their first game of the season.” 

David followed his father into the kitchen where his mother and sister, Alexis were sitting. “I know it is but that doesn’t mean that I should have to be there!” 

“It says on the invitation that it is a chance for the team to meet the family of the college’s president, and it is not exactly a secret that you’re my son,” Johnny said, throwing the invitation in his hand next to the sink. “Therefore, you are expected to be there tonight.” 

“At what time are these festivities expected to commence, John?” Moira asked.

“I told the team to get here at 5, so we only have a couple of hours to get ourselves dressed,” Johnny said. 

Alexis looked up from the magazine she was reading, scrunching her nose. “And how dressed up do you want us to be, exactly? I know you, like, told us this morning but honestly I forgot.” 

“Yea, plus it’s just the baseball team, and we already know everybody, so is there really any point in changing?” David piped up, leaning on the kitchen island and quirking his head to the side.

“I know you kids think it’s ‘just the baseball team’ and that since you’re all friends with everyone you don’t need to make an effort,” Johnny said. “But how you look is a reflection of me, so I expect both of you to change. And David, I would like you to put on pants that don’t look like they’d be at home in a gym.” 

“Oh my god, you in a gym, can you imagine, David?” Alexis said, wiggling her eyebrows at her brother. 

David straightened up and put his left hand on his waist. “Okay, first off,” he said, waving his right hand around in the air, “I don’t appreciate what you just said, Alexis, because I have been in a gym before, thank you very much.” 

“Okay, but have you, though?” Alexis said, resting her chin on her hand. 

Ignoring this, David continued. “And secondly, I never claimed that ‘I’m friends with everyone’,” he emphasized this point with air quotes, “Ever since Stevie and Ted chose their junior captain for the year I decided I would rather not hang around with the team quite so much.” 

“And who is this captain that you so despise, so much so that you would abandon your friends such?” Moira asked, looking over her cup of tea at David. 

“Brewer,” David spat out.

“Who’s that, son?” Johnny asked, glancing once again at the dinner party invitation on the counter.

“He’s talking about Patrick Brewer,” Alexis said. “He plays third base.” 

“Oh, yea, Patrick Brewer,” Johnny said, finally looking up at his family again. “He played really well last season, scored lots of runs for the Waterfalls. And his dean tells me he gets really good grades, too.” 

“And tell me, why do you not like him, again?” Alexis asked. 

David felt annoyance bubble up immediately. “We took that Lit class in our first semester and he thought he was so clever, always had his hand in the air and making idiotic comments about our reading,” he said. He paced back and forth, gesticulating wildly. “ _I think Sonnet 18 is actually really tragic, yea Shakespeare specifically says that even death won’t take the subject’s beauty but that can’t be true,_ ” he mocked. “That’s literally not the point of the poem! And then the next semester we were in the same Physics lab section and he was always trying to change how to do the experiments, bugging the TA every three seconds! Also in that semester—”

“You clearly have quite the bone to pick with this fine young gentleman,” Moira interrupted. “And his idea about the tragedy of Sonnet 18 reminds me of when I played Ophelia in _Hamlet_ —”

“Please don’t start, Mom,” Alexis said. “Plus, David clearly feels insecure because Patrick is so much smarter than he is. Remember that time he had lunch with you and Stevie and you felt like they ganged up on you?”

“Fuck off, Alexis!” David said through a fake smile. “And anyways I would say that Stevie and I were ganging up on him, not the other way around.” 

“And wasn’t he always hanging onto you and Stevie in your sophomore year? You all seemed like such good friends,” Johnny said. 

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” David said. “Speaking of, Alexis, do you have any idea who he has decided is his _greatest most bestest friend_?” he said, nasally intoning “greatest most bestest friend”. 

“Mmmm, I’m pretty sure that’s how you described him in your journal, David,” Alexis said. 

“Well, I didn’t, because that’s weird, but if I did I would burn the notebook right away,” he bit back. 

“Whatever, David. But I’m pretty sure he hangs out with Ted mostly,” Alexis said, slumping back in her chair and grabbing her magazine to find the article she had been reading. 

“Well, good luck to Ted, then,” David said. “He’ll never have a minute to himself. Patrick is like a tsetse fly, always buzzing around.” 

“I’m sure tonight will be fine, David,” Johnny said. He checked his watch. “We should all get changed, we don’t want the catering to arrive while we’re upstairs.” 

“After you, my dear husband,” Moira said, holding out her arm for Johnny to grab, and everyone shuffled out of the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)


	2. ACT 1, SCENE 1: Part 2

At exactly 5:02 PM, the doorbell rang. 

“Smiles, everyone,” Johnny said, unnecessarily fiddling with his tie to make sure it was centered. Alexis clapped her hands excitedly as Moira went to open the front door of the house. David, annoyed, slumped against the railing of the stairs as he scowled at the horde of people now pushing their way inside. 

With a blast of cold February air, the baseball team came into the entryway. At the front was Ted Mullins, senior captain, and behind him came Ken, Sebastien, Mutt, Jake, Miguel, Eric, Dane, and Stevie, the student assistant to the coach and the only person on the team David genuinely enjoyed spending time with. Miguel, Eric, and Dane were all in their first year at SCU, so David didn’t know them particularly well. He didn’t mind spending time with Ted, Ken, or Mutt, with both of whom he had taken classes and worked on homework. He briefly hooked up with Jake at the start of his sophomore year, but Jake had suggested that he, David, and Stevie should have a threesome one too many times for David to be comfortable. Things between David and Sebastien had ended far worse than they had with Jake: they began dating right before winter break when David was a first-year and Sebastien was a sophomore, and once school started again for the spring semester, he found out that Sebastien had hooked up with several people from his hometown. David didn’t go to class for a week after he heard about it.

“Thank you so much for having us, President Rose,” Ted said, gripping Johnny’s hand in a handshake. 

“Please, Ted, call me Johnny,” he said. “I’m so happy to have you and the rest of the team here tonight. Everyone, just leave your coats on the coat rack in the corner. But I don’t see Coach Schitt or your junior captain?” 

“Oh they’ll be here in a second, Patrick volunteered to stay with Roland while he parked the van,” Ted said. As he unwound his scarf, he caught a glimpse of the pretty girl with dark blonde hair and aqua eyes that he always saw around campus, but was never courageous enough to approach. “Is this your da--” he began to ask but was interrupted by the doorbell ringing again. Ken, who was standing closest to the door, opened it and in walked Roland and Patrick. 

“Johnny! Moira!” Roland said, striding forward and pulling John into a back-breaking hug. “And of course, Alexis! Dave!” 

“I told you not to call me Dave,” David called from where he still sat on the stairs. 

Ted, whose eyes had not left Alexis this whole time, cleared his throat. “Is this your daughter, President Rose?”

Moira moved to stand next to her husband. “That is certainly what I’ve been told, Theodore!” she said, holding her hand out as if she expected Ted to kiss her hand. 

Ted awkwardly brushed his lips against her knuckles, blushing deeply as he looked at Alexis, who was openly staring at him. Unconsciously, she started twirling her hair with her ring finger.

Patrick came up behind Ted and awkwardly slung his arm over his shoulder. “What, you didn’t know that Alexis was the president’s daughter?” he asked.

“And how exactly do you know her, Brewer?” Stevie said, standing on Ted’s other side.

“Rachel introduced us last semester. Plus, the university is so small you know who everyone is eventually. And when I heard her name was Rose I knew exactly who she was related to.”

David, fed up, spoke from his place on the stairs. “It absolutely amazes me that you are still talking, Patrick, since it doesn’t seem like anyone is listening.”

“Oh, David! Mr. Party Pooper, I thought you weren’t gonna be here,” Patrick said, peeling himself off of Ted’s back to go lean against the banister near David. 

“How could I possibly be Mr. Party Pooper before you got here, Patrick?” he replied. “I must have been having fun before you arrived if I’m only unhappy now that you’re here.”

“Well, you know that I bring the party with me wherever I go, David,” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Oh yes, I’m sure people _love_ having you around,” David said sarcastically.

Patrick slapped the banister before straightening up and shoving his hands deep in his pockets. “Oh, I’m sure they do, but if I’m being completely honest, I prefer being alone most of the time…I’m not really looking to spend my time with someone else, if you know what I mean.”

David watched Sebastien walk into the sitting room, off to the right of the entryway. “Yea, I do know what you mean,” he said sadly. 

Patrick looked around to see who David was watching, and when he turned back toward David, saw the hurt written across his face. He always thought David was a bit aloof and somewhat full of himself, being the son of the university’s president and all, but Patrick could see that underneath the black sweaters was someone who felt his emotions deeply. “Hey. You okay?” he asked, dropping his playful tone. 

David shook his head slightly, refocusing his eyes on the person standing next to him, seeing the concern written across Patrick’s face. He shook his head to clear the thoughts of _why is he looking at me like he cares about my feelings_ and _why is he so cute when he isn’t being a cocky asshole?_ “Yea, whatever. I think I’m gonna go see what the caterers made for hor d’oeuvres.” And with that, he stood up, picked an invisible piece of lint off of his pants, and stalked past Patrick towards the kitchen. 

During this conversation, everyone but Stevie moved into the various rooms on the first floor of the Rose’s house. She held two glasses of wine in her hands, handing the glass with far less wine in it to Patrick. “C’mon, Brewer. Don’t sulk out here by yourself. Mr. Rose said he wants the team to enjoy themselves tonight,” she said. 

“I’m not sulking!” Patrick exclaimed. 

“Say that to your face,” she said as she raised the glass to her mouth. “Let’s go to the living room—I think there are fewer people in there.” 

“You know, as the student manager, you should really spend more time with the team,” Patrick said, following Stevie through the crowded sitting room and into the adjacent room.

“Just because I coordinate extra practices and keep track of the team’s spending does not mean I actually have to spend time with the team,” she said, sinking into a plush armchair and pulling out her phone to scroll through Instagram.

Ted wandered over from the sitting room to join Patrick on the loveseat opposite Stevie. He looked fondly toward the sitting room where Alexis was talking to Ken and Miguel. “Is she not the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen?” he said. 

Patrick glanced over at Alexis as well. “I mean,” he said, taking another sip of wine, “she’s certainly pretty, I guess.” 

Ted turned so his whole body was facing Patrick. “Okay, but have you ever _looked_ at her?” he asked eagerly. 

“You know that I’m gay, Ted, so, no, I can’t say I ever have,” Patrick said. “I wouldn’t exactly consider myself an expert on how attractive women are.” 

“But you do agree that she’s pretty, right?” 

“She’s not _not_ pretty,” Patrick said, downing the rest of his wine and setting the glass on the center table. “I’m not quite sure what you want from me here, man.”

“Surely you gotta be joking,” said Ted. Patrick widened his eyes in disbelief. “Okay,” Ted said. “I know you’re not into women. But, if you were, would you want to date Alexis Rose?”

“Are you asking me if you should ask her on a date?”

“Do you think I should?”

“Dude, there’s no need to look so worried about it. Trust me, you’re a catch.”

“Thanks, man,” Ted said, clapping Patrick on the back. His eyes soften and filled with warmth. “She’s just…so beautiful.” 

“Sure she is. Now, if you were asking me about her brother, were it not for his sarcastic tone, I would say that he is _very_ attractive. But I hope you take her out on at least two dates before you pull out those lovey-dovey eyes you’re making right now.”

“Listen, even if I had a girlfriend I would seriously think about breaking up with her to be with Alexis.” 

“Why are people so focused on dating?” Patrick asked. “I swear to god I will never see a single young adult again. But if you really like her, I think you should ask her out, and be prepared to never have real free time again. We have a season to play, remember.” 

“I swear to god, Mullins, if you mess up my batting practice schedule, I will end you,” Stevie said, looking up from her phone. “What are you two even talking about?” 

“If only someone _begged_ me to tell them,” Patrick said mischievously. 

Stevie put her phone on the table and leaned her head onto her fists. “Oh, Patrick, would you pretty pretty please tell me what you guys are talking about?” 

“You know, Ted, I could keep a secret but since Stevie asked so _nicely_ ,” Patrick said.

“No please don’t—” Ted started. 

“He’s in _love_ , Stevie,” Patrick spoke over Ted’s plea. Stevie broke into a grin. “ But ‘with who?’ you might be asking yourself. Someone as sharp with her words as her last name would imply—with Alexis Rose, daughter of our dear university’s president.” 

“Damn, Mullins!” Stevie said. “You should totally ask her out.” 

“Don’t tease me, Stevie,” Ted said. 

“I promise I’m not, Ted,” Stevie said. “I think it’s a good idea. You guys would be cute together.”

“Oh god, not you too,” Patrick groaned. 

“Don’t be so cynical, Brewer,” Stevie said. 

“Everyone knows that relationships are scams and that people only get into relationships because it’s expected of them. I did that for far too long with Rachel, and I am determined to learn from my mistakes, so I’ve decided to just let myself be free and do what I want from now on,” Patrick said, sitting back against the couch cushions and linking his hands together behind his neck.

“Oh, I bet you’ll be in a relationship before the semester is over,” Stevie smirked.

“If I am, I give you guys full permission to slap me,” Patrick said, making sure to look Ted and Stevie in the eyes while they nodded in understanding. 

“While I eagerly await that day, I think you should go fetch me more wine, Patrick,” Stevie said, smiling with false sweetness and waving her empty wineglass around. 

Patrick stood up and plucked the glass out of her hand. “Fine, but only because you’re being a menace.” He turned and left the room. 

Stevie stuck her tongue out at Patrick’s back as he walked away. 

Ted leaned forward. “You really think I have a chance with Alexis?”

“Yes, I really do. You seem to really like her, Ted,” Stevie said. 

“Thanks so much, Stevie,” Ted said. “I’ve been seeing her around campus this whole year and I’ve always thought she was so pretty, but I never thought she’d go for someone like me when people like Jake exist.”

Stevie snorted into her hand. “You know what Jake’s like, and I know that _she_ knows what Jake’s like, and trust me, you are far more her type than Jake ever could be.” 

“I’m just scared that me asking her out will seem really out of the blue,” Ted said, a line forming between his eyebrows. “When I was talking to her earlier she seemed to really like me but I can’t be sure.” 

Stevie thought about it for a second. “You know what, Mullins, I have an idea. There’s a costume party in North dorm tomorrow night after the game. How about I dress up like you and tell Alexis that I’m Ted? I’ll tell her about “my” feelings for her and she’ll be so moved she’ll want to date you, no holds barred.” 

“Stevie, are you serious? Thank you!” Ted exclaimed, striding around the table and pulling her into a fierce side hug. 

Neither of them noticed Moira listening from the sitting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)


	3. ACT 1, SCENE 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is super short (blame the Bard--this scene easily could've been absorbed into the previous scene) so I decided to post it early. The next long chapter will be up on Tuesday!

Moira rushed into the dining room where Johnny was overseeing the laying of the dishes for dinner. “John! I have the most splendiferous news!” she yelled. 

“Oh? What’s that, dear?”

“I was ensconced in the corner of the sitting room when I heard Stevie and Ted talking just next door. I moved so that I might overhear them with greater ease, and at that exact moment I received the intelligence that Theodore is enamored of our Alexis!” 

“Moira! That’s wonderful news. Maybe I should talk to Alexis tell her about this…exciting romantic opportunity.” 

“No John. That would only turn her away from him forever. No, I think we should just wait and see what will happen. But in any case, I believe it is time to call our guests for dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)


	4. ACT 1, SCENE 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i truly know nothing about the zodiac i just searched "moodiest zodiac signs" and pisces was one of them

At 10 the next morning, Bree McCartran sat in the dining hall, sullenly twirling her fork through the scrambled eggs heaped on her plate. Across the dining hall, she saw the baseball team, all in their uniforms of turquoise and black, laughing with each other during their traditional pre-game breakfast. Her eye kept flicking to Stevie who sat near the head of the table, talking with Ted on her left-hand side. Mutt, sitting diagonally from Ted, inclined his head to listen in on their conversation.

_I should be at that table,_ Bree thought to herself, stabbing a piece of egg. _But no, of course, perfect Stevie got the manager job over me._

As Sebastien got a cup of coffee from the drinks bar of the dining hall, he saw Bree shooting daggers at the team. Looking surreptitiously over his shoulder to make sure no one on the team was watching him, he wended his way through the tables to where Bree sat.

“Penny for your thoughts?” he said, sliding into the seat next to her.

“I can’t stand her,” Bree said through gritted teeth.

“I think that you need to learn the value of letting go of the things that cause you pain, Bree,” Sebastien said, casually draping his arm over the back of his chair.

“Sebastien, you’re a Pisces. I don’t think you have any right to tell me to be less moody.” Sebastien took a silent sip of his coffee. “And I’m sorry if I can’t help what I’m feeling.”

“Dear, dear, dear Bridgette—” Bree glared at him. “—perhaps you can’t control what you are feeling deep inside your soul, but you can’t wear your heart on your sleeve anymore. You have to control how you express your emotions. You’ve been really hostile toward Stevie since last year, even though she has been kind to you. If you want to have any chance of being manager next year, you should tone it down a notch.”

Mutt walked by their table on the way to the bathroom.

Bree huffed angrily at her plate of eggs. She remembered the previous spring semester and how excited she was when Roland called for applications to be the next student manager of the baseball team. She worked tirelessly on her application, going over her essays repeatedly to make sure there were no mistakes. She got Sebastien to read everything she wrote to make sure it was what Roland was looking for. She spent hours going through potential interview questions and how she would respond to each one. After walking out of the interview with Roland and Ted, she felt like there was no way anyone else would get the job over her. That is, until the day of the announcement.

It was a tradition for Roland to announce the new senior captain, junior captain, and team manager after the last game of the season. Bree vibrated with anticipation while Roland called out Ted for senior captain (which was a surprise for nobody—he had been junior captain, and the junior captain almost always became senior captain) and Patrick for junior captain. _“And our new manager is…”_ Bree held her breath. _“Stevie Budd!”_

_“NO!”_ Bree had yelled. Everyone sitting around her turned to look at her and she began to cry. She angrily got up from her seat, pushed her way to the end of her bleacher row, and ran from the baseball field. 

Bree shook herself out of her reverie and fixed Sebastien with a steely gaze. “I would rather be hit with a baseball than make peace with my cousin,” she snarled. “Everyone in the family has always looked at her like the sun shone out of her ass. ‘Be more like Stevie,’ or ‘Stevie wrote a report about the motel,’ or ‘Stevie will be great at running the motel when she’s older,’ never any praise for ME!” She slammed her fist on the table. “I would much rather be a contemptuous bitch than make everyone believe I’m nice. At least that way people aren’t disappointed when they see what I really am. Stevie is only nice to me because it makes her look like a saint. If I could make everyone else see what an ass-kissing bullshitter she is, I would. So let me be as openly bitter and I fucking want to be.” Bree shoved her plate violently away from her, sliding to a stop midway down the table.

“Well, then we have to find some way to channel all of that delicious anger,” Sebastien said, coolly taking another sip of his coffee.

“Making use of it is what keeps me going.”

Mutt came out of the bathroom, but instead of going back to the team’s table, he pulled up a chair next to Bree. “I’ve got some juicy gossip about a potential new couple on campus,” he said, quirking the right corner of his mouth into a mischievous smile.

“Can we use it to stir up some trouble?” Bree said. “Who’s giving up his freedom?”

“Our dear senior captain.”

“Ted? Really?”

“Would I lie to you, Bree?”

“Just because you don’t doesn’t mean you can’t,” she said, reaching across the table to retrieve her plate. She shoveled a forkful of eggs into her mouth. “Who’s he after?” she said around the food.

“Alexis Rose. They met last night at the team dinner.”

Bree hastily swallowed in shock, sputtering a little. “You know, that makes a lot of sense. She’s pretty and popular and not particularly smart, so of course, Ted would go after her. How’d you find out?”

Mutt nodded his head toward the baseball team, most of whom were done with their breakfast and showed signs of getting ready to leave. “I overheard him telling Stevie earlier. They have a stupid plan set up where Stevie is going to pretend to be Ted at the party tonight so that she can tell Ted whether or not Alexis actually likes him.”

Bree considered this for a moment. “Stevie is like a foot shorter than Ted how would that even work?”

Mutt held up his hands in defense. “I don’t know. It’s just what I heard. And Sebastien,” he said, reaching behind Bree to knock Sebastien on the shoulder, “if we don’t want to miss the game, we should probably get going.”

Sebastien and Mutt stood up from the table and made to leave, but before they could, Bree grabbed onto both of their wrists. They looked back at her. “I think I know a way to get back at Stevie _and_ Ted," she said. "You guys in?”

Sebastien smirked. “How could we not be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would greatly appreciate it if you could leave kudos and/or comments. it means a lot to me as a new fic writer. :)
> 
> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)


	5. ACT 2, SCENE 1: Part 1

That afternoon saw all the Roses doing their own activities in the living room: Moira was brushing out a wig; Johnny was reading that morning’s newspaper; Alexis was highlighting every sentence of an article she was reading for her _Introduction to Public Relations_ class; and David was scowling at his computer screen, annoyed about the comments his writing partner left on his paper for his course _Displaying Modern Sculpture_. 

Not looking up from her reading, Alexis said, “Did you see Bree at breakfast this morning, David?”

David reluctantly dragged his eyes away from the computer. “Mmmm what was that?”

“Bree. Did you see her in the dining hall? She was talking to Mutt and Sebastien.”

David tensed at Sebastien’s name. “Go stick a fork in an outlet. You know I don’t eat in the dining hall if I can’t help it,” he said, turning back to his assignment.

“She was staring daggers at Stevie,” Alexis said.

David shut his laptop and turned to look fully at his sister. “She’s always staring daggers at Stevie. Every time Bree walks by me on campus I swear I’m in a bad mood for the rest of the day.”

“She’s always got this huge pout on her face, poor thing,” Alexis said, resting her head on her hand and fluttering her fingers.

“Yea, Stevie said Bree’s been jealous of her as long as she could remember, but she’s not entirely sure why,” David said. “Y’know what I think?”

“What do you think, son?” Johnny said, glancing at David over the tops of his glasses.

“I think that Bree stews in her silence a little too much, meanwhile Patrick—” Alexis stared at her brother, “—talks a huge game and then never actually delivers.”

“Well, he delivered at the game earlier, son. Roland tells me he hit a home run at the bottom of the ninth when bases were loaded.”

“And yet apparently we still lost, so you don’t actually have a point,” David said. “I just think that the most companionable person would be someone between them. Like Stevie.”

“You what to know what I think, David?” Alexis said.

“Yea? What do you think?” David said, imitating her.

“I think you mention Patrick a lot for someone you claim to not like very much,” she said. “So, like, if you’re sensing a vibe or something…” She tried, and failed, to wink.

“Ugh! Abso _lute_ ly not!” David exclaimed. “He’s a business major that wears straight-legged, mid-range denim. He's not into me. I never said I was getting a vibe, and you know how I feel about relationships in college!”

“Just because you had _one_ failed relationship David doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with a cute guy!”

“Oh, so you think he’s cute then?”

“That is _so_ not the point I was trying to make, David!” Alexis stamped her foot. “I’m just saying that Sebastien was a dick who doesn’t know how to grow a beard to hide his ugly chin.”

David rolled his eyes and bit back a smile. Sure, Alexis got on his nerves, but he was glad she was able to see past Sebastien’s intrigue to recognize him for what he was: a dick. Instead of voicing the pride in his sister, he said, “He really can’t. It feels like a cat is licking you every time you get too close to it.”

“There may come a time, David, when the universe bestows upon you a paramour incapable of sustaining full facial tresses,” Moira said, not looking up from brushing her wig.

“Yea did you think about that, David?” Alexis asked. “Maybe you have to provide the beard in the relationship.”

“I’ve been a beard, and I have no desire to repeat that experience,” David said.

“There’s no shame in being the one with the beard in a relationship, son,” Johnny said.

“That’s not what that phrase means,” David said at the same time Alexis said, “Nope, not the same thing.”

Silence settled over the family for a few minutes, everyone going back to their tasks. Just as David reopened his essay to begin revisions, Alexis said, “Oh, David!”

“What?” he snapped back at her.

“Are you going to the North costume party tonight?”

“We literally had a party here last night, Alexis,” David said. “Why would I subject myself to that torture two nights in a row?”

“Well, I’m going, so I guess I’ll just wander over there, dressed as a PlayBoy bunny, and see what happens.”

David glared at Alexis. “Are you asking me to chaperone you to a college party?”

“I think it’s my turn to take a selfish,” Alexis said.

“Uhm, I don’t think so.”

“It so is!”

“David, go to the party with your sister, I don’t need a repeat of what happened at the senior prom,” Johnny said.

“Ugh, fine!” David said. “But I’m not gonna be happy about it. And I’m not dressing up. Costume parties are tacky and incorrect.”

“The baseball team will be there,” Alexis sang.

“Drink sewage.”

“You know, Alexis,” Johnny said, closing his newspaper and raising his eyebrows at his daughter. “If you wanted to…engage with someone at this party, just remember we do have to be careful with our hearts…and our parts.”

“Oh my god, ew, Dad! Literally, never say that again!” Alexis said.

“I’m just saying, if someone should catch your eye—”

“This conversation is over,” Alexis said, gathering her work. “David, I want to leave at 8:30, that way we’re fashionably late.” She flounced out of the room, walking upstairs and slamming the door to her room. 

“As much fun as this conversation was,” David said, “I think I’m gonna go take as much time to myself as possible.” And with that, he, too, went upstairs into his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would greatly appreciate it if you could leave kudos and/or comments. it means a lot to me as a new fic writer. :)
> 
> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)


	6. ACT 2, SCENE 1: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am sad to say that this will be the last chapter I'm posting for a while. The first draft of my master's thesis is due in 4 weeks, and I need to spend all of my time focusing on that. Hopefully I can start posting again mid-March, but if not then definitely in April!
> 
> There's a passing mention of "going to Rock Arch". this is a reference to a superstition at my college where if you kissed your partner under the entrance to rockefeller dorm (yes, those rockefellers), you and your partner would stay together forever. I only know of two other people who went to my college that actually read sc fic, and figured I should explain that small line of dialogue.
> 
> The sketch Patrick and Stevie are talking about is [David Tennant is Catherine Tate's New English Teacher!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxB1gB6K-2A)
> 
> Final thing! I don't care about baseball, but as a New Yorker, in the Mets vs. Yankees debate I am firmly a Mets fan :) hence, Patrick's costume

By 8:40, David was begrudgingly halfway across campus bundled in a sweater, with Alexis prancing about 10 feet in front of him wearing nothing but a silk slip, some stockings, and a velvet bathrobe. Alexis had come into David’s room shortly before they left, and with one look at her outfit, he knew he’d have to run serious interference with their parents if Alexis was going to make it out of the house dressed like _that_. In general, their parents didn’t care how they dressed, but that was for things like going to class or going to the library. As soon as alcohol was going to be involved, they suddenly became very strict about how much skin they were allowed to show. So David made sure to keep his parents in the kitchen and out of sight of the front door while Alexis got herself far enough away from the house so that her parents wouldn’t be able to see her if they’d tried. David thought his parents were being a little ridiculous about the whole thing. Sure, Alexis was a little wild while at boarding school, and David had had to rescue her from more than one sticky situation involving the son of a dean of a rival school, but in general, she knew how to take care of herself. He just wished she’d put on a jacket.

“David! Hurry up!” Alexis called from up the hill, on top of which North dorm sat.

David groaned and tried to force his legs to move faster up the steep hill, not like they wanted to in the cold. “Ugh! Don’t go in without me!” he yelled, watching Alexis disappear around a bend in the path.

When he finally reached the top of the hill, panting, Alexis was leaning casually against one of the trees flanking the path to the main entrance of the dorm. “Took you long enough,” she said, booping him on the nose. “Told you you don’t go to the gym.” She turned and flounced off to the door, waving her student ID in front of the sensor to unlock the doors. David rolled his eyes and followed her in.

Inside was a madhouse. A few people milled about in the entryway with beers in their hands, and a few pairs were making out on the staircase. David could see people thronging around the entrance to the kitchen or pulling people down the hallway to find a more private space. But the real party was happening in the dorm common room, the entrance to which was right next to where David was standing. Loud, bass-heavy music blasted from the speakers and the windows were covered in condensation from the number of people crammed into the room. People dressed in costumes of all shapes and sizes squeezed together on the dance floor and on the couches pushed to the edges of the room.

David edged his way around the common room, pressing his back to the wall while scanning the crowd for people he could recognize. Despite being at the party for less than two minutes, he could see that Alexis was already cuddled in an armchair with someone dressed as the Phantom of the Opera, leaning her ear towards the mystery person and giggling. He caught the eye of several people whose faces were covered by cheap plastic masks but was unable to discern who any of them were. He wanted to find Stevie, but he knew it would be almost impossible to pick her out of the crowd since she was several inches shorter than a vast majority of the party-goers. He gave up his search of the main room once he reached the doorway again, stumbling back into the entryway and running straight into someone leaning against the door jamb.

“Sorry,” he said automatically. Remembering that he wasn’t particularly excited to be there, he said, “You’re standing in literally the most inconvenient place.”

“You didn’t have to push yourself so hard through the door,” the person responded.

David looked the person up and down. They were wearing a baseball uniform, the jersey shirt white with thin blue stripes, and covered in fake blood. The person was wearing a skeleton mask.

“What does your costume even mean?” David asked.

“I’m the Yankees after the Blue Jays beat them to a pulp last year,” Patrick said, punching his fist into this palm. 

“That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” David said.

Patrick scowled, then remembered that David could not see his face behind his mask. “At least I have a costume,” he retorted. “It’s a costume party! You’re supposed to dress up, have fun!”

“God, you sound like Patrick,” David said, turning his back on the person and walking away.

Patrick, not wanting to miss the opportunity to get David’s unencumbered opinion of him, scrambled to catch up to him. As he pushed through the crowd of people in the entryway, he thought he saw Bree whispering in Ted’s ear and pointing in the direction of the common room. “Who is this ‘Patrick’ you’re talking about?” he said.

David pushed open the door and stepped outside, Patrick following close behind. “Just some guy I know. I bet you’ve seen him around.” He sat down on a bench next to the door.

“I would love to know more about this Patrick and his opinions on costume parties,” Patrick said, leaning against the bench’s armrest. “He sounds like fun.”

“Sure, if you define ‘fun’ as being incredibly clingy and thinking that his opinion is the only one that matters. If I’m being completely honest, I think the only reason Stevie and Ted keep him around is because he’s so outrageous that sometimes it borders of funny.”

Patrick’s mouth dropped open in shock. Stevie only hang out with him because he was easy to laugh at? He knew that wasn’t true, and he wasn’t so caught up in his own opinions that he wouldn’t listen to anyone else! He figured David was just bitter about having to be at the party and was disgruntled from literally running into Patrick, so instead of giving him a piece of his mind, he said, “Oh, I’ll make sure to mention all of those things when I run into him next.”

David snorted. “Oh, yes, please. I’m sure he’ll have plenty of things to say about me in return, but if you ignore him he’ll just sulk for the rest of the day.” He wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. “It’s fucking freezing out here, I’m going back in.” David got up from the bench and strode once again toward the dorm doors.

Patrick took David’s vacated seat on the bench. Angrily he took off his mask and started twisting it in his hands. _Incredibly clingy,_ he thought bitterly. _Am I clinging to anyone right now? I don’t think so!_ He was so lost in his thoughts that he barely registered the person sitting down next to him, but looked up when he heard a dry sob.

Patrick whipped his head around and stared at the person uneasily. He didn’t want to be stuck consoling someone he didn’t know, but as he looked closer he saw Ted’s profile illuminated by the dorm lights. “Ted?” Ted looked up, and Patrick was relieved to see that he wasn’t actually crying. “You okay man?”

“What? Oh, yea, I guess,” Ted said sadly.

Patrick’s eyebrows drew together. “You guess?” he said. “That doesn’t sound like someone who should be on his way to Rock Arch right now to seal his love for the girl Stevie wooed.”

“Well, if Stevie wooed her then Stevie can have her.”

“Woah,” Patrick said, holding up his hands. “What are you talking about? Stevie would never—”

“Patrick, I don’t feel like talking right now,” Ted interrupted.

Patrick’s confusion deepened. “Ted, seriously, what is going on?”

Ted stood up abruptly. “I’m going for a walk,” he said. He turned and walked off, disappearing as he turned the corner of the dorm.

“Literally what the fuck?” Patrick said under his breath, slumping back so his head rested on the back of the bench and he could stare at the night sky. _So outrageous that I border on funny,_ he thought. _Yeah well, at least I’m funny, David. How could you understand me so well and yet not understand me at all? People don’t think of me as outrageous! David is the one who thinks his opinions are the only right opinions and so he assumes that everyone else shares them. I will get him back for this._

“You’ll get who back for what?”

Patrick whipped his head up and stared around at the person who spoke. It was Stevie. “Did I say that last bit out loud?” he said. “And how long have you been standing there?”

“Yes you did,” she said. “And not that long. I’m looking for Ted, I thought I saw him outside a minute ago.”

“Oh, yea he was out here. I found him sulking about something and when I told him that you’d been wooing Alexis he got weirdly angry and stormed off.”

Stevie sat on the bench. “What? Why? Where did he go?”

“I think he went to go sulk in his room. I think what it was is that…” Patrick searched for a way to describe the problem. “He found this bird’s nest, right? And he got really excited and showed it to you, but then…you…stole the nest.” Patrick looked over at Stevie, who was looking at him like he had three heads. In the dim light, he swore he could see her eye twitching.

After a long silence, Stevie said slowly, “I…stole…a bird’s nest? From Ted?”

Patrick leaned toward Stevie and took a sniff in her general direction. “When did you even have a _chance_ to get high, Stevie?” he asked. “We’ve been together practically all night.”

“Sure, that’s what you think, Pat-trick,” she said, giggling. “David always makes sure to bring the good stuff to parties like this. He seems to be upset with you. Some guy he was talking to told him you don’t like him very much.”

Patrick exploded. “Some _guy_ told him that _I_ don’t like _him_?! You should have heard what he said about _me_ , Stevie! He said to me, not knowing who he was talking to, that you only keep me around to laugh at me! Do you understand just how demoralizing that is, when we have, in my opinion, a great relationship? And that I’m not actually funny, I’m just so ridiculous that what I do ends up being funny anyway! It’s like I was in the batting cages, and I was just being pelted with baseballs flying at my face, nonstop. He was being a…a… _harpy!_ ”

Stevie snorted. “Oh, a harpy? Next, you’re going to tell me that my mother is a pox-ridden wench and that my father is a goodly rotten apple.” She giggled, which turned into a laugh, which turned into her threatening to fall off of the bench from laughing so hard. Eventually, though, her laughter subsided.

“Oh, are you done now?” Patrick said, chuckling despite himself. “Did I or did I not tell you that Catherine Tate is a comedic genius?”

“Oh, you told me,” Stevie said. She wiped her streaming eyes with the back of her hand. “I just didn’t think it was all that funny until just now.”

“I’m serious though,” he said. “He just never seems to have anything positive to say. And I don’t understand how you can spend so much time with him.”

Stevie leaped out of her seat suddenly. “DAVID!” she called to the person who’d just exited the dorm.

Patrick leaped out of his seat too. “What are you doing Stevie?” he hissed. “I was just telling you about—”

“About what?” David said, striding up to them.

Patrick pinched the bridge of his nose. “No. Nope. Not doing this now. Can’t do this again. I think I’m done with the party. See you tomorrow, Stevie.” He turned and marched down the hill, not once looking over his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :)
> 
> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! 
> 
> I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> If you see any grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistakes, please let me know! I'm on [ tumblr](https://elifisher96.tumblr.com/)


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